Gotta be a Better Parent

I admit to doing a couple of (wrong) things at times. Mornings have always been really bad for me. Two days ago, whilst rushing to send Zarif to kindergarten - it was already almost recess when I sent him to kindy - I just lugged the kids in the car and since the distance from my mom's house (where I am currently staying) aint that far from his kindy, I thought I'd just lugged them in the car without buckling them up. That is my MISTAKE numero uno.

Zarif got to kindy alright. From there I proceeded to Ibu's place to drop Nina off. Knowing how Ibu hates me sending her sooo late (it disrupts her morning schedule), I rushed to send Nina to Ibu's house. What do you know? Nina's aint buckled up in her car seat either and had asked me for a sip of my Nescafe Mocha. (MISTAKE number two - giving them coffee when their kidneys prolly cant even digest caffeine yet..and MISTAKE number three - for actually compromising my driving skills to give her coffee whilst maneuvering (spelling?) the car..)

So there I was whilst handling the car and giving her a sip of my cold Nescafe, she decides to back off a bit, causing the coffee to spill unto my handbag and unto the floor of the car. I scream. (MISTAKE number four - yelling at a toddler for your inefficiencies).

Whilst waiting for the traffic light near Ibu's house to change to green, I yelled at her to grab some tissue papers (tissue box was at the back of the car) and shaken at being scolded at, she refused to. I searched the insides of my handbag for remnants of old tissue paper and used them up to soak up the coffee, which had so nicely stain my handbag and make my car smell of nescafe. Oh dear me. What have I done?

The traffic light changed to green and I gained a little bit of my composure. That same freaking time, my mind says I have to sms Mr Sia and tell him where I am. (since I was also late getting into the agency..) (MISTAKE number five - sms-ing whilst driving).

So whilst text-ing the guy with 1 hand and another hand on the wheel, I made my way up the hill to Ibu's. Guess what? Nina decides to fall forward, when we're going downhill.. All coz of my stupidity at NOT BUCKLING HER UP. She falls forward (near where the handbrake is..) and hurts her chest and starts crying. (MISTAKE number six - a repeat of MISTAKE numero uno)

I signalled to the left and immediately stopped at the side of the road (and before stopping hit a curb).. and this is the bit which I REGRET DOING THE MOST! I SCREAMED AND SCREAMED although knowing that all these were NONE of my children's wrongdoings. (MISTAKE number freaking seven). (How many MISTAKES can 1 make in the span of an hour??)

I KNEW THAT I WAS ACTUALLY SCREAMING AT THE FACT THAT I WAS A FOOKING USELESS MOTHER. I immediately took Nina into my embrace and hugged and kissed her and said 'Mommy's sorry' countless of times.

On the way driving to the Agency's, I was just thinking: HOW CAN I BE SO FREAKING SELFISH and PUT MY NEEDS AHEAD OF THAT OF MY CHILDREN'S??

I vowed with that incident that day to plan my days better and to ALWAYS ALWAYS BUCKLE UP MY CHILDREN at WHATEVER COST. I will also NOT USE THE HANDPHONE ESPECIALLY WHEN MY CHILDREN ARE IN THE CAR. EVER.

"Please God, please make me a Good Mother to my children. Please bless me with patience, wisdom and courage and make me a better mom to my children with each passing day. Please also protect my litle family at all times."

To my beloved Zarif and Nina - Mommy's really sorry. Mommy wont do this again.

My life in 2009

I dreamt last nite that I was blogging. Weird. Since as you probably would have noticed the longest silence on Quipsmore. I thought that now since I am no longer with Nilai UC and am now working on my own beginning the final quarter of this year, that I'd pick up blogging again. And since i had that 'revelation' last nite - I have decided to start blogging again tonite.

Hmm. So much has happened this year - I don't quite know where to begin.

For starters - 2009's first quarter saw me busy with work - in Nilai UC's Corp Communications and in preparing for the presentation to the Ministry for the proposed set up of Nilai International School. The latter is something I dont wish to ever do again and partly influenced my decision to leave the Nilai group recently as well too.

March saw me joining Great Eastern Life Assurance Berhad as a part-time agent. I remembered this year I thought I'd live by Nike's motto - 'Just Do It' and when I was approached by Mr Sia, my insurance Agent I thot - hmm - Why not?

Business was great and I had earned my first commission of almost RM3k immediately the following month. Wow!

Beginning of April wasnt too kind on my personal relationship with my hubby though. I found out then on the 5th April 2009 that my hubby was involved in a relationship with someone else. I am clueless as to the depth of their relationship and I really have no freaking idea who the woman was - but was ready to opt out. I eventually found out that the lady was some lady in his office. A single mother with 4 children. Dont ask me why. I am still searching for answers myself.

As God would have it, the day that I had planned to walk out of the house (to teach my hubby a lesson), my daughter Nina fell ill and had to be hospitalised for a couple of days. I had no choice but to stick together with her and let the father know that she was detained in the hospital. We stayed in the hospital together with our 2 children and I had to brave a series of arguments with my hubby then in the hospital as well too.

2 weeks later on the 16th April - I found out I was about 4 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. I remembered when I told my Mama, she said 'Balah-balah pun, boleh dapat anak?'. I only saw it as an sign that God had wanted my hubby and I to work at our relationship.

With that pregnancy, came another positive outcome. I woke up the day after finding out I was pregnant realising that it was time for me to embrace the hijab. ('Bertudung'). I only had 2 pcs of tudung in my cupboard and immediately wore 1 to work that day. My spontaneous actions in donning the hijab had spurred a lot of surprised looks and remarks from all the people around me including my own husband, family and friends.

Bala still called me the foul-mouthed aunty with the tudung. I didnt mind that at all. Haha. I felt at peace. Prior to wearing the tudung I felt so 'naked'. Alhamdullillah, with that pregnancy - I was given hidayah to start wearing it. I made it a point to still stay true to me. To who I am, and not change any of those that made me me.. I reasoned that this is all about muhasabah diri. I am 34 this year.. Kalau bukan sekarang, bila lagi?

Thus, needless to say, I was deeply saddened when I had lost my baby due to a missed miscarriage the following month i.e. 2nd quarter of this year. Being told that your foetus's heart just stopped beating and that I had been carrying a dead foetus in your womb for at least 5 days was just totally heartbreaking. Our baby left us too soon and I kept wondering why.

I had a D&C done on me on the 23rd May 2009 and was on MC for 2 weeks. It was one of the lowest points in my life this year. I returned to work after 2 weeks, charged but not necessarily feeling at the top of the world. I felt down. Emotional and very lonely.

It was also not easy having to explain to your children that their baby sibling was no longer in my tummy. Zarif's a big boy and I guess he understood when I told him that baby's gone to heaven. My 2 year old Nina kept asking what is baby doing now, Mommy?

Anyway - in the meantime my insurance cases kept increasing and i kept getting additional income, which was good. But this low point in my life in a way also affected how i felt about working in Nilai.

Come the month of June - I was contemplating quitting my job to focus on what's most important to me - my children and myself. I have dreams and I realised there was no way on earth I was ever gonna achieve them if I stayed on in Nilai. After confiding in my parents first, hubby second - and after getting their blessings, I took the plunge and tendered on the 30th June 2009.

It was a really HUGE step for me and I cried out of relief for being so brave and bold. Here I am in pursuit of my dreams. I just kept repeating this statement over and over - 'If I want something I have never had, then I have got to do something I have never done." With each repetition, I felt stronger and stronger.

In the meantime, things were not all that rosy at home. I have learned to be smarter with my spouse. Fights would still follow, we wont talk for days sometimes but I continued to stay strong for the sake of my children.

I started losing pounds as well. And was getting compliments from even my dad for looking better with each passing day. I took it all in my stride.

Beginning of 3rd Quarter - here I am sorting out work and preparing for handover when I discovered on the 6th August 2009 this year that I was about 5 weeks pregnant again. I didnt expect to get pregnant so fast again after my earlier miscarriage. But itulah, orang kata dah rezeki Allah nak bagi dan saya sebagai HambaNya bersyukur kerana dipermudahkan rezeki dan dikurniakan anak lagi.

3rd Quarter also saw a lot of good and kind remarks from the big bosses in Nilai, whom said I could always come back there, if I ever needed work. Hehe. I guess those are the plus points of knowing when to exit and I have learned that it is always good to leave when things are good and when you have established good rapport with them.

But sudah lumrah alam, akan adanya suka dan duka. Things worsened at home. Hubby still had an affair. And this time, I made him know I do not tolerate nonsense. It was the merdeka weekend when we last had our big fight. In fact this fight probably topped the list of fights we've had as husband and wife. I also thanked God for opening my eyes and showing me what kind of inlaws I had. I have since vowed not to go back to my hubby's kampung in Perak, even if for hari raya. Coincidentally, this year was supposed to be his turn in Perak.

Because of the stress that I felt from that fight, my pregnancy had started to bleed again. This time though, my morning sickness was quite bad (which I thought was a good sign coz it indicates that the baby's hormone's were pretty strong). So I was relieved to be told by my gynae that despite the bleeding, my baby was growing just fine. Alhamdullillah.

But because of the bleeding, I had to restrict my movement and was under my gynae's orders NOT to travel for hari raya. I thank Allah for my gynae. Kesemua ini blessing in disguise. That had strengthened my reasons for NOT returning to my hubby's hometown for this year's Hari Raya.

This year's Hari Raya fell on a Sun, 20th Sept 2009. It was the first time I spent Hari Raya with just Zarif and my parents and sisters in Bangi. My hubby took Nina back to Perak with him for hari raya. And I wasnt sure when they were gonna return from Perak either.

We got shocking news on the 4th day of raya though. I was at Alamanda Putrajaya with Lisa and the kids when I received a call from my aunty Nashareen whom through her panicked voice said that my cousin Marlina Zain had collapsed at the Curve, Mutiara Damansara and had died almost instantly. She was only 33 years old.

The news of her death came as a shock to all of us and upon relaying the bad news to Edy in Perak, he then made his trip home. All of us gathered at Ayah Zain's house in TTDI whilst waiting for them to make their way home from Kuantan. I just remember shaking my head in disbelief that life was made so short for her. Sesungguhnya Allah lebih menyayangi dia.

I was especially saddened by her death as Arwah was my closest cousin growing up. We shared everything together. It was only when I got hitched and got on with married life that we both lost touch. I will forever regret not making enough of an effort keeping in touch with her. I was truly hoping to see her this Syawal but we missed each other when there was a miscommunication in terms of which house we all were supposed to gather at on the first day of hari raya. Anyway to my Arwah cousin Marlina - I will always cherish our moments together and I will remember you forever. Semoga Allah menempatkan Lina di kalangan hambaNya yang beriman dan solehin. Al-Fatihah. It's only been a week since she's gone and we truly miss her. Semoga ini menjadi iktibar kepada semua yang DariNya kita datang dan kepadaNya kita akan kembali.

It's been 2 weeks since I stopped working in Nilai now. Things are progressing and now I have to prepare for my FINAL SPRINT in this last quarter of the year. I pray that Allah makes my journey smooth in this insurance industry and mengurniakan rezeki yang melimpah ruah so that I can give back to those who matters most to me. Insyaallah.

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah semua urusanku, murahkanlah rezeki ku, lapangkanlah dadaku dan berkatilah segala apa yang aku lakukan. Sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Kaya lagi Maha Mengetahui.