Scream-free Parenting - Possible?

I was at home yesterday - feeling very ill after having spent a really long day up until the wee hours of the Tuesday morning, sorting out my Office Baby - the Nilai UC's prospectus 2009. Every year I live and die doing the Prospectus. Sigh.

Anyways, I got home at about 3.15am and by the time I crawled into bed, it was 3.30am. My kids had not seen me at all prior to going to bed that night - they would have missed me and asked their papa where I was before going to bed. I was feeling really ill - so I popped 2 panadols, took some flu meds and went to bed with my very bad sore throat. I didnt even kiss my children good night that night for fear of waking them up plus I didnt want my germs to spread to them.

In the morning yesterday, I had already known I was not gonna do a show up at work yesterday and thank God, Aileen agreed that I took the day off to rest too. I got up yesterday morning to a heavily-coughing Zarif and realised that during my absence (from Monday morning til night) - that lil-bit-of-cough that he had over the weekend had developed into one loud, nasty and chesty cough. Instantly I knew that he needed to go the hospital, to be neubolized. A little onset of cough, if not taken care of, can make him asthmatic. And so, despite me being exhausted from having very little sleep, I got up at 7.30am and decided to go see the dr myself and since I was going there - might as well bring my Zarif to see the Dr too.

I had not planned of keeping Nina with me yesterday coz of my situation. I actually thought of sending her to the babysitter's place and managing Zarif alone, wont be all too bad, I guess. But my Nina's all grown-up now too, and is now able to know when I'm heading to work and when not. (All in mommy's attire). So when she realised I was just dressed in jeans and a tee - she knew I was not headed for work and insisted that she stay with Mommy and not Ibu (the babysitter). So I had to jaga 2.

So there I was, having to lug 2 kids to the dr's. (Not easy, I tell you. Not with Zarif's tendency to just run off whenever he pleases and Nina's 'Nak Turun, Nak Turun' from your grip.) And yes, as per what I had suspected - he needed to be neubolized. So we were in the ER - they got Zarif neubolized and I myself also got the necessary meds and an mc from the dr.

Went home - took the dr's meds and then decided that I shall just turn on some cartoon DVDs and let the kids watch tv, hopefully they'll entertain themselves whilst I catch up on my much needed rest. But I found out that I didnt really like who I was yesterday. I found myself being irritable - irritated with the noise that they were making, the arguments that they kept getting themselves into, the Yesses Zarif would say and the Nos that Nina would say in respond to him. I just felt awful, tired, miserable and irritable to the max. To top it off, the kids refused to nap - not even for the shortest time. They would rather play, play and play.

And so it was then that I found myself SCREAMING at them all the time. At every single Mommy.. at every single need. At times, I could see it was also much to their horror and surprise. Zarif would tell me he needed to go poo or pee, and would not do so unless I myself pull his pants down - when all this while whenever he had to go to the toilet, he was able to do so on his own. Nina would decide to spill water on the table and splash her dolls in that puddle of water. They'd take turns to whine, and take turns to say that they wanted milk or this or that. It seemed that I was screaming everytime and had very little patience with them yesterday - so much so, that Zarif had paused and asked - "Kenapa Mommy asyik jerit-jerit? Sakit telinga Abang.."

Then I felt that pang of guilt. I felt so bad - I know they had not seen me the night before and they were of course just trying to catch up lost time with Mommy. I pulak was feeling so awful that I was in such a bad state and even in this state, had to tend to every whim and fancy that they had and tolerate them. It certainly was not a good day yesterday and I found myself by the end of yesterday - apologising over and over to my children for not having control of myself and over my children. All in all, I felt shitty.

I still feel shitty today thinking about the times that I screamt to them yesterday. I only have 2 children and yet am not able to exercise control fully over them without screaming. I truly wonder how is it that mothers who have so many children can mind theirs so well and with very little screaming.

There should be a guide or manual of some sort that comes with Having Children. I guess tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow Mommy's gonna be a better Mommy. To my children, Sorry Anak-anakku Sayang. Mommy wants you to know that Mommy loves you more than anything else in this world. I promise tomorrow Mommy's gonna be a better Mommy.